Adored. ♥

Sunday, December 08, 2019'♥

50 shades of fucked up

Never thought i'd need an outlet or to post here again. But this weekend has been so mind boggling i just...cannot.

I cannot fathom why u would do such a thing.
I cannot for the life of me understand how you could think your actions are also justifiable.
I cannot begin to think what the fuck you have been doing in my house with that slut.
I cannot erase that taint you put in my head.

For fuck's sake, you want to fuck, dont fucking taint my house. The same house that i fucking designed and decorated, every single thing there has my signature and my touch. The fucking toilet, the mbr, the same fucking bed, the same fucking sheets that i bought n slept on, my pillow and bolster, the same fucking position that i slept in!!!!! For fuck's sake, do you have any fucking sense and shame at fucking all?!?

My stuffs still occupying the toilet, my clothes still in the wardrobe, memories of me all over the fucking place, and the 2 of you can stay in my fucking house and not give 2 fucks?? What kind of fucking slut wouldn't mind living in another woman's shit? Good luck with that you moron.

How could you so righteously think that you can justify not asking for my agreement before you invited a woman to fucking take over my house. And now i cant get that fucking image out of my head, its going to fucking scar me for life. Regardless divorced or not, you dont have any basic decency to think of your actions and what you subjected me and your son to? Your justification was you wanted to protect her? At the expense of me your and son? That is my fucking house , my fucking bed and my fucking loo? A house that your son is still having trouble trying to de-link as his parents' house, a bed that his mama used to sleep in, he is still sleeping in, and suddenly now its papa's and who-the-fuck-is-that in my bed?! You have no idea how much i physically wanted to throw her and her stuffs out of my fucking house. No amount of dollar compensation is ever going to make up for what you fucking idiots did.

Like i said, if you didnt dare to ask or seek my agreement, deep down you should have known its not right. Lying that you want the respect of privacy, only because you want to sneak her up, thats what it is, its because you had to sneak while having her around. And if you had to sneak, why didnt you just continue sneaking and dont let me discover it you fucking idiot?!?

I have admitted i am a sinner and i cheated, but this is just a whole other level of fucking shameless. Using my fucking loo, my fucking bed, my fucking intimately used sheets pillow n bolster, the same fucking hairdryer you bought for me, the same FLASK i drank from when i was sick and have brought to work. I really cannot. You called me a hyprocite, but looks who's the biggest hypocrite of all.

You let her in my house and taint all over my territory while i am still ghosting the house. The house is not even all yours, you have no fucking brains or what? Dont expect me to forget this or forgive. I have been more than understanding with you, hoping and trying to accomodate thinking i cannot push you more. Thinking you need time to heal. But if that means inviting the slut back to my house without my consent???? That is fucking way beyond limits asshole.

I am so done with you, done sympathising you. Done with the fucking guilt i lived with the past 1.5 years, because you have successfully proven that whenever i feel guilty for having cheated, you equally do something bad . That time when you trapped me in my own house, and now again when you taint my house with that slut.

May both you of shamelessly continue to use my secondhand goods, the things i have drooled on and has my smell. May both of you shamelessly leave your things there as if you could deceivingly think she can replace my stuffs. While I wish for you that she would bring you all the fucking joy you claim she does and while she fucking cries while being fucked in my house, know that you 2 are doing it all in my shadow, in my fucking house, with every single piece of furniture that i put there. As long as i am also paying for that house you piece of shit, its also still my territory. So pay the fucking price.

And don't tell me you're sorry and seek my pity, not when you have also betrayed me this way. I am done being understanding and kind and letting S fit into your schedule. You're just one half hearted excuse of a man.

Gratitude.11:53 PM

Wednesday, May 29, 2019'♥

Conflicted

Been battling alot of inner thoughts and pushing them away trying to tell myself not to think too much. There are times i feel like i just wana b alone, or alone w S so i can focus on him and make sure he knows mama's with him. Its mentally tiring trying to contain the thoughts and sadness in my head.

That moment when i knew the interim judgement was passed, i felt more relief than happiness. It meant that closure was coming, but is it really? I know i gave myself and everything i had for this marriage and the house, and it makes me sad. 不怕付出，只怕没回报. I lived with no regrets, i did what i wanted, gave what i could, and i tried; but i know, i failed to help him understand there was anything wrong with the marriage, and i will always live with the guilt of betrayal. I try not to let this moral guilt eat me. And usually it doesnt, cox his behavior doesnt call for it.

Im sure he has alot to deal with, and alot to adjust. Sometimes i see signs he seems to have moved on a little, but sometimes it seems he's still stuck in denial, and definitely anger. When its anger i wished he'd just take it out on me only, n not affect S. S seems to b adjusting, but when he gets hot n cold with S, i think S is affected. Sometimes he wants his dad, but sometimes he doesnt. It hurts me when he ignores S for the simple fact that he's at home but just doesnt acknowledge when S reaches out to him. And i can tell that S is still happy to see and spend time with him, so when this hot and cold happens, it really frustrates me that i cant protect S from him. Why are u behaving so strange to the person you say u will always love and care for no matter what? That was how u treated me as your wife, and now youre doing it your son? When will you wake up?

I get so tired of the physical chores and the mental struggle on whether to fault him, or feel sorry for him. Almost every day there are things to be done around the hse, and getting back past 9pm after dinner, by the time S is settled and goes to bed, theres still a million and one things waiting to be done. Every day is a repeat of chores and i recite a mantra of "live with it", "suck it up", "it'll end soon" just to keep myself sane. Sometimes i just assumes he does his share and dont bother to keep track on what he does anymore. But sometimes when it gets too much, i really need to vent. Even if everything happened was triggered by me, this is still his house, and still has his share. Why am i the fking maid to him and the house even up till now. I toggle between being so f-ing mad, and, suck thumb its my own doing. Its physically keeping me in shape though, so no complains there. But im in a constant lack of sleep that doesnt help my brain capacity. I some times really wish i could get out soon n hopefully lessen S's exposure to his strange attitude.

And then again, when i think about leaving the hse, theres so much sadness. Not bcox i cant bear the marriage, but bcox i do actually love this house and every design that came out of it.
Every hour i spend in the kitchen, i miss it. Every hour i spend in the loo, i miss it. Every time i look at the mbr wall design, i miss it. Every time i look at the tv console, i miss it. Its making me quite miserable and so 此地不可就留 .

Not to mention the mental stress of an on n off battle at work with a frenenemy; and losing certain 'friends' as a result of everything. Some people just want to see you suffer the same or see how you fall, but that makes me stronger and more determined that i wont. Then again, I longed for the life where i could bring my husband out and have an enjoyable social life together with frens, of one with much talk and laughter; which i eventually ended up doing on my own and building the so called 'friendships' that have now cast me out. And now ironically, i still cant bring that person out, and that road ahead seems long and tiresome. But if its a silver lining, i got to see the true colors of some people, and it has really shown me alot. To my dismay.

I have to convince myself theres a better life and home waiting for me, and it takes alot of courage to put my faith and trust in that person. Only i know whether its all worth it, whether he will be my rock, and whether together we can do it. I know alot of these are just material things which can be built back, but it still makes me sad to leave the house i built. At the same time i still constantly worry about protecting S and trying to help him understand what's happening, and giving him as much stability as possible.

Sometimes, i just need a breather.

Gratitude.1:40 AM

Friday, January 11, 2019'♥

On hindset

So i came across a post on relationship, detailing how a woman should be treated and i couldn't help but tick off the list and thank my lucky stars.

I wondered why i used to think I was ok with sub standard. Why i thought my efforts would be enough.

Relationships are always and firstly a two way street. Both has to change for each other, and change together.

I made the mistake of being stubborn and insisting on someone who wasn't right for me. Of evolving and leaving my partner behind. Of assuming that he should know how to treat me. Of letting myself feel bored and disconnected with my other half. I made mistakes in this one.

But I learnt, and i want better. Everyone deserves better. Even him.

There is alot of work to be done. Nobody is ever perfect, but with the right ear and attitude, both needs to learn and change. Both needs to be on the same page.

I'm glad I am now heard and theres someone who wants to talk to me, no matter how big or small, important or not. I never knew communication was so important. Lesson learnt.

I hope the ticks wont disappear, and that the list gets longer.

1. who is willing to put work into the relationship ✔
2. mature enough to handle the responsibilities that come along with loving you. ✔
3. laziness has no place in a committed relationship.✔

4. treats you well without expecting brownie points or a pat on the back.✔

5. treats you well because you deserve it and he wants to see you with a smile on your face.✔

6. puts effort into conversations with you. ✔
7. Someone who listens when you speak. ✔
8. Someone who puts his phone down when you walk into a room.✔

9. puts effort into making you feel included. Someone who invites you out with his friends.
Someone who takes you out to dinner with his family. (Cant happen yet)

10. puts effort into the bedroom. attends to your needs. Someone who gives as often as he receives.✔
11. puts effort into planning dates. Someone who chooses the place and time so you are not stuck making all the decisions. ✔
12. pays attention to what you want to do on weekends and makes it happen.✔

13. does as much for you as you do for him. ✔
14. understands relationships are a two-way street and should never become one-sided. ✔
15. recognizes your worth and makes sure you recognize it too.✔

16. puts effort into loving you every single day✔
17. makes you feel appreciated for all of the little things you do instead of making you feel like you are taken for granted. ✔
18. makes sure you realize how loved you are instead of making you wonder whether anyone cares.✔

19. puts effort into every aspect of your relationship. ✔
20. texts you in the morning to let you know you have been on his mind.✔

21. picks up snacks for you when he goes shopping so you always have something in his fridge to eat. ✔
22. spends hours searching for (or handcrafting) the perfect gift for you because he believes you only deserve the best.✔

23. who does the dishes and laundry when you are having a rough day so you get a chance to relax. (Cant happen yet)
24. Someone who sprays on your favorite cologne before meeting up for a date with you✔

25. who offers to drive you and your friends to the club so you don’t have to take an Uber. ✔
26. who calls you when he is running late at work so you don’t worry about him.✔

27. who gives you compliments on your smile and eyes, along with your soft heart and hard work.✔

28. who puts effort into pursuing you and keeping you✔

Gratitude.1:14 AM

Tuesday, January 01, 2019'♥

Dedication

So instead of talking about the 2 older men, I prefer to dedicate this new post for 2019 to my young Prince instead.

The only person I am truly sorry to, is you. For breaking up the family you know. I hope one day if you know the truth, you can forgive and understand.

I'm not sure if I'm making the right choice for you, but i know its the right choice for me. Someday you'll know that your dad was not enough for me, and not the husband I wished he was. I don't regret the things that happened, or regret not doing enough, because I think I have given enough. I'm only sorry that it had to be too late before he realised something was wrong and I'd already gone out the door.

I've never been so scared and worried before, not even for myself, but for how/if all of this will affect you. Maybe it won't, I'm hoping it won't, and I'm hoping your father will come around and learn that he still needs to be your father. Because through all these, I see and am sure that i can no longer be with this person. I only hope that he can become a better person for you and be someone you can look up to.

You don't have to be like your father, or like me, or anyone else. My only wish is for you to be who you are going to be. To continue being the joy you are, in times when i feel alone, u remind me that i am not, n i have a purpose in life. You bring me so much happiness and love that i never knew existed. So even how hard the road ahead is going to be, I just need to be with you, and i will have the strength to carry on.

I also hope that you will grow up with empathy, warmth, kindness, passion, courage to do the things you want to do and to be fervent about life before anything is too late.

I need you to know that as you go through the different stages in life, mummy will always be there to love you and support you (unless its about sexuality), whether you like it or not, regardless of whether you think you need it or not.

Right now, I hope u know that your mum and dad loves u. We may show it differently, but it doesn't mean we love you any less. You will always be loved my baby, and that love for you will always be special.

Gratitude.1:36 AM

Friday, November 16, 2018'♥

Tired

So sick and tired of the endless quarrels and disagreements between us. I am trying to remind myself I did this to you, i understand the betrayal and the emotions u are going through, i shouldn't say u all the time, I need to keep my mouth shut and stop picking on you.

But everytime I see sub standards from u, it irks the shit out of me and i need to say something. Some times u want to do the chores, some times u don't. Someone told me its bcox u can dont care when im around, u don't have to do things anymore. But fuck, aren't we in the same house paying the same bills sharing the same things, n these things dont need constant maintenance? U can't just choose what u want to do when u feel like doing it ok? It's perfectly fine if u don't want to do things for me, but the chores are for the house n for LO! Goddamnit be consistent!

I can't stand it when u don't want to talk properly and don't communicate about what's happening with LO. He is still my son. U can't even talk about our son properly anymore? simple things about what medicine u've fed him, how long he's been asleep, how is he, is he going to school, do i need to bring him to sch when ure off, all these things i need to ask??

Im so fucking tired of u not talking, from the day i know u, until now it's gotten worse. I ask myself why do u have to be like that, and then instantly blame myself, oh, ya, because of what i did, u made this person clam up even more. REALLY VIC? Do u even still know this person at all?

This person who has been posting snide remarks on fb questioning my fitness of being a mum. Questioning the woman who bore u a son FOR U. Questioning how i gave up a higher paying job so i could previously come back to be a better wife. Questioning how i let myself be prodded, poked, jabbed, cut open, suffered so much pain that is enough to last me the rest of my life, to GIVE U a son. And what thanks did i get for it btw? Questioning my efforts in feeding, thinking, preparing, cooking so our son could get some nutrition n be stronger. Questioning my ability to care for my son, when i care about nothing more in this world? U are so blind with sarcasm n hatred that u can't see its all bcox of u. I did everyth for u, gave up everyth for u; n now bcox of u i still cant be with someone else. If i could be with that someone else n shaun is at my side, I wouldn't have to leave him in ur care. Whom since u r the father, if i dont leave him in ur care, than who else is fit enough? Be sarcastic all u want , thats the only thing u know. Through all of this i now see how damn immature u are, why did i even give u so much n forget to demand in return.

I'm so sick n tired of all these miscommunication, snide remarks, suspicions n hatred between us. It's making me such an angry person n I hate this version of myself. Sometimes I look at u and i think this was someone I loved with all my heart. Those were the hands I used to hold, the skin I used to touch, the face i used to smell. But now who is this person still trying to stay in the same house n the same bed. This person with different standards that varies according to his moods. Why, why until now u just can't communicate to me properly. I wish i could just get out of this tiresome place.

Gratitude.12:37 AM