I've never felt this happy with someone, and the happiness is so easy, so natural. It breaks my heart that nobody can see how happy he makes me.
Every day since you came back, it feels like a deadweight on my shoulders. A weight that refuses to budge no matter how much i try to shrug it off or throw it, it comes bounding back like a boomerang. Making me miserable and dread going home. What does it matter what i say or how much i try and rationalise with you. All of you think im blind and prejudiced, or ive been spelled upon. The fact of the matter is ive never been clearer how wrong i was. And from the start i was already clear i want out. I cannot be that person who cheats on you, and then bluff myself and everyone i can try and be with you. That, is a real lie.
I am very clear who i am happier with. Who is able to understand my moods and wants to be there to pamper me through it. Who will think of ways to make me smile and appreciate that smile. Who wants to hold my hands and talk me through any misunderstandings or problems we may face.
He who gazes at me with a look so strong it doesnt need words. He who wants to put his arms around me all the time and show me to the world. He who wants to hold me and dance in the dark.
He who shares many interests and hobbies as me. Even our knowledge, thoughts and understanding is so much more compatible and similar. It is so easy to talk to each other, we could talk about anything under the sun and wouldnt find it the least bored. We suit each other so naturally i sometimes dont even believe it. Why did he only appear now, when my situation makes it so hard for us to be together.
Nobody can see how he has so easily and naturally replaced you in my heart, i dont even feel heartbroken about losing you. I feel heartbroken that you are so blind to a wife lost, that you are hopelessly clinging on to a lost love. I feel heartbroken that you dont want to retain any ounce of dignity even after knowing what ive done. I just want things to end amicably and beg you to leave with your dignity.
Yes it also breaks my heart to see that im breaking up you and LO. It breaks my heart to think about LO being confused if youre not around. But i am confident he will be just fine. Regardless the outcome, he will always be my priority and i will give my all to protect him. I was not lying when i said even if i end up being alone with LO, i will rather be than lie to myself about being with you. Now i know, I have outgrown you since the day i became a Mother, and found myself needing you less and less. And now i am through with you.
Gratitude.4:30 PM
Tuesday, September 25, 2018'♥
There's a difference
There's a difference when from the beginning it was already wrong.
There has always been something wrong, it didnt just turn wrong all of a sudden. I just chose to accept and ignore.
Yes, it is scary how I can sudenly turn. But one thing is for sure, bubs will always be my priority. You are not and will never be again.
After everything i dont understand why and how u cant man up. I see the way you are clinging on to this and its so loser-ish. I dont even feel anything for u anymore, just sorry that you are clinging on to false hope and looking so pitiful it irks me.
Of course i know its hard to accept, bcox it might seem like it came all of a sudden. But after all this time, i still dont think you are and can be the man i want.
Im just gona keep repeating myself about how different he is and how me and him already started off on a different note in the first place.
He can be my friend, my listener, my partner, my lover; You were only half of these. He makes me laugh, alot, and makes me feel good; you were either sarcastic most of the time or just said im fat/bloated. He makes me feel at ease, feel like myself, share thoughts n opinions that we can discuss and debate; we are mostly quiet or have differing views about situations and people.
He and I have have similar interests, he asks me things that you've never, shows alot more interest in me, my family n my frens n makes efforts to remember what ive said. How much do we have in common? how much have you done?
He and I are so much more in sync with each other and genuinely interested in everything about each other. How often do you if im in one of my moods or when i need more attention? He is so much more observant, spontaneous, fun loving, initiative, tender, affectionate. He's the one i want to bring out to meet my frens n family. He's the one i want at my side and i know he will take care of me effortlessly. We are happier together then i was with you from the beginning. "Saw you walk inside a bar. He said something to make you laugh I saw that both your smiles were twice as wide as ours Yeah, you look happier, you do Ain't nobody hurt you like I hurt you But ain't nobody love you like I do Promise that I will not take it personal, baby If you're moving on with someone new 'Cause baby you look happier, you do My friends told me one day I'll feel it too And until then I'll smile to hide the truth But I know I was happier with you"
Gratitude.10:08 AM
Wednesday, September 19, 2018'♥
Saying
Sometimes it is the wedding that you are ready for, not the marriage.
Gratitude.12:00 AM
Monday, September 17, 2018'♥
Thoughts
So tired of everyone's judgemt and asking me wad went wrong. They will only see n hear abt my betrayal before anyth else i hav to say anyway. I know theres no easy way of letting myself off, n no matter how many times i berate myself for letting things get this far, whats done is done. I really dont see how to turn back the clock to somebody whom din change for me when he had the chance. Only cox now im the one who's heart has left first, so i'll always be the qian gu zui ren.
I think back and i recall the various times i used to ask my closer frens in general abt married life n sex. Those were indicators i was getting unhappy/ bored, but i lived with it thinking its part of being married. There was no more spark to it. So now i realised, it does takes alot of effort n communication, not only from me, to keep the spark going. A spark that had died down in me for some time, n i never knew until i met someone new.
I recall all the times i accepted giving and doing things tirelessly for the family. Accepting the fact that my husband is a non romantic, non initiater, non talkative. And it seems like i was always the one planning for us n taking care of the household. I probably din even know i was tired n what it feels like to b taken care of. But now i know, there is someone capable of taking charge n being the man i wan to lean on. Someone who observes me where you never, whom i can talk to and talks back to me abt things that seems to come straight from my mind and heart. Understanding each other is one thing, communicating to each other is critical.
At gatherings, I would look at other long term couples with envious eyes at the way they are still poking fun at each other, their arms around each other, how they would stroke each others hair or face, the simple touches that signifies affection; n the simpleness of just taking care of the small things like picking out the fav food the other person likes. So sometimes i would wonder is there smth abt me that my husband doesnt like enough to hold me? Why dont i get such simple gestures from him? I simply accepted that he is not a touchy or affectionate person, so even brushing my hair or holding my waist was a bonus if i ever got one.
I never heard compliments from u no matter how i looked. Why in the bedroom we were hardly keeping it up, was it bcox i was getting boring? Was our married life getting too dull? Was i too fat? I realise now how insecure these thoughts were n i never verbalised these to u bcox i din think you wud understand or would simply brush me off. Again, communication and understanding on a level that we never had.
So suddenly comes someone else who made me feel sure of myself again n Ive never felt more beautiful, treasured and wanted in a long time. I felt myself falling fast n strong for the person who made me feel like me again. Not the same old maid who goes home to repeat an endless boring cycle of taking care of everyone else's needs. Again, i would some times self reflect: Was i thinking abt bubs too much n neglecting my husband? Am i giving you enough couple time? I thought i did made sure i tried to meet your needs, made sure bubs was happy, made sure our parents were happy enough, made sure our married life looked good to everyone else...i did try n make time for us, but we just did the same things since i was always the one thinking about wad to do. I do know most of the time it was cox i tot spending time with bubs was more impt then spending time with my husband. Why did i think that in the first place? I knew my husband was not my priority anymore. It just got to the point where i became indifferent to not expecting anything from you.
N den now the ppl whom i have always thought for are accusing me of thinking of my own happiness at this point in time. So shud i just forget abt myself? Forget abt who i can be and how good someone else can make me feel? Im tired of not feeling appreciated and remembering things that i felt i should have deserved better.
Like how you never got to know or get along with my frens n colleagues the way i wanted.
Like how i always tried to get along with your family but you never really talked to and make the effort to know my family members, choosing to keep to yourself at every gathering.
Like how you hardly compliment me when i looked good.
Like how you never said my singing sounded nice.
Like how u never tried to learn or show interest in wad i like to do.
Like how you never noticed the changes to my hair until i have to ask u about it.
Like how you dont know what i did to my lashes after all this while.
Like how you gave me a half pass six proposal that i still accepted.
Like how you left me at the vip table on our wedding day while u went to chat with your frens.
Like how i was expecting a speech from u, but radio silence.
Like how you never thanked me for having bubs till only 2 years later i received a thank you card on vday.
Like how you didnt plan anything for our 10th yr anni and my 30th birthday.
Like how you only want to change, AGAIN, after everything has happened.
For the longest time, ive never looked at you with sparks in my eyes n felt like i cud love u the same till the day i died.. I was starting to feel lik there shud b more to this life, i thought that void cud b filled with another child to love. I was getting bored. Now on hindsight it felt more like i was in limbo and waiting for smth to happen..almost as if wondering when someone else wud appear so i can feel some excitement or feel wanted again. I always thought i cud come back to you no matter what, but i was hiding from myself that my heart was not with u anymore, n I never expected that this time i could feel alive again.
Of cox i know no matter what happened, or rather did not happen, between us, being in love with someone else is always wrong. Its worse that i have never felt so right abt any relationship before and that it has to appear now.
