Thursday, April 22, 2010'♥
无心人
say until so nice, prepared to buy for me.
if not for my own effort, wait for you, I myself can kiss Jay goodbye.
want to buy something, also never bother to find out the complications involved. Internet will confirm be jammed, yet you thought can camp in front of the com. Best of all, you know got OCBC priority but you don't know what's it about and you can't be bothered to find out. So even if u camp in front of com, you can get in, you can't even buy cox you have no OCBC card.
so if i didn't ask, you would have most likely failed to get me my tickets.
Kao ni, bu ru kao zi ji.
Simple thing also can't rely on you.
i already complained about your attitude as a boyfriend, already made it clear here that you are expected to obtain those tickets for me at whatever cost.
all you did in response was shed a few crocodile tears and all talk but no action. you thought about how to get me the tickets, but cox work obligation, so fine, nvm i do it myself instead.
but. that night.
you asked yourself if you good enough for me got use meh?
cry n hide from me got use meh?
say u will do it got use meh?
in the end? i myself go n queue. even my mum also gotta queue with me. even though her boss don't allow, she still take half day urgent.
just for me.
you? say only.
THIS is your 'pattern'.
shed crocodile tears, use 'talk' to try n make me xin ruan, which you always succeed, than everything goes back to normal.
but sorry dear, i remember. and every thing that you fail to do, it goes into my heart, and i will naturally give u demerit points.
even if i tell myself not to measure love like that, i can't help it.
when you disappoint someone too many times, don't expect that person to be forever understanding.
so what if i complain, nag n tell u the number of times i'm disappointed.
your pattern forever no change:
1. u married her, u took her for granted.
2. she warned you, you didn't listen.
3. she throw you divorce papers, than you saw your coffin.
in our case:
1. now you with me, u take me for granted.
2. i warned you until my saliva also dried, yet you still haven't done anything.
so you really want to proceed to next step is it?
i'm not scaring you.
I can let this relationship drag on the way it is, let you take me for granted, let you think you no need to romance/surprise/hong/listen/be sensitive/etc, but don't be surprised that things will change when i leave school.
if you still don't want to listen to what i'm saying.
and if you still haven't learnt your lesson.
or maybe, you have forgotton how painful u felt when she left you.
i still have those conversations of you begging her not to go. begging for another chance.
begging like a man with no pride.
but again in those conversations, your 'pattern' was there. all talk. but gave up in the end.
you 'talked' about being a better man. are you that better man?
there is a difference between: growing up through that experience, and being a better boyfriend.
you only grew up.
but rethink whether you have really learnt how to be a good boyfriend/husband.
i hope you remember:
1. you have me now, you taking me for granted.
2. i have complaint many times, and you haven't changed or tried harder.
i hope you know you're threading the line already.
but out of my love for you, i can let this drag on, until i finally give up hope.
and like i said, when someone loses hope, that's the end.
i believe, you remember how hurt you felt when she gave up hope on you?
right now,
i say the words 'i love you' with disappointment and sadness.
instead of saying them with love and proudness.
i love you.
i really do.
i long for our future.
but its not enough.
Gratitude.10:48 PM
Friday, April 16, 2010'♥
defeat
quarrel also no use.
expect also no use.
u only say u intended to AFTER i bring it up.
then why starting must say u dun wan spend the money?
so many expectations.
so many times im disappointed.
so many times u say u will try.
but got use meh.
still like this.
anything liao la.
i oredi told shirley lim not to buy for me.
why should she keep doing things that you as a boyfriend should b doing for me.
if simple things you can't even do properly then what's the point.
look's like i will miss jay this year.
Gratitude.1:22 PM
'♥
super fucking pissed
super sian of trying to find good points to cover up your bad points.
obviously u've not been reading my blog. cox instead of turning better, you get worse.
worse till i want to vomit blood n gauge your heart out.
you very blardy well know i'm crazy over jay chou. but ur 1st rxn is dun wan to buy. den now when i say you, you fucking well say u had also wantd to watch but bcox i said buy 1 enough, i go with my friend.
FRIEND. MY FIRST RXN IS JAY IS COMING. Meaning: ARE YOU GETTING ME THE TICKET?
TWO: ur 1st rxn is dun wan buy to watch tv.
NOT, I OSO WANTD TO GO. BUT COX U SAY WATCH WITH FREN, I SIAN 1/2.
i really DON'T WANT TO COMPARE. but u leave me no choice.
UNLIKE YOU. SHE said ok, buy for you as birthday present.
WHEN I DIN EVEN ASK HER TO BUY. or expected her to.
YOU AS MY BOYFRIEND, can't even read your girlfriend's wishes, but instead your girlfriend's girlfriend has UNKNOWINGLY fulfilled the duty for you.
i really don't want to say this also.
but DON'T YOU THINK YOU ARE A FAILURE?
i bet you don't.
cox u're blardy stubborn n strong-headed like shit.
i know.
you will think: knn compare again. fucking stop comparing me n her.
fyi hor, I DON'T WANT TO COMPARE.
but IF YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB AS A BOYFRIEND, i won't have ANYTHING to compare!
all you know is how to make up stupid excuses, reasons, and debate with me that actually it's not what i think. you twist the words around to make it sound like you actually thought of doing it.
i can take it that way.
YOU THOUGHT OF DOING IT.
THOUGHT.
GOT DO?
TALK ONLY.
you wana know where you failed? cox u will definitly think you're cream of the crop.
1) you don't romance me or sweetalk me. UNLESS WE'RE OVERSEAS. in singapore you just act like you're the da nan ren. DON'T NEED TO ROMANCE N SWEETALK ONE LA.
2) this year vday. one flower oso don't have. you can dream that i will forget it. it's an unforgivable sin in my book.
3) you don't get along with my friends.
4) ask you do simple thing of msging me every morning when you reach work, ALSO CANNOT.
5) i told you i DON'T LIKE TO BE RUSHED. yet everytime i go out, you must chop chop come pick me den end up waiting down there, den not happy. RUSH ME FOR WAD. WAN ME QUARREL WITH YOU RIGHT?
6) everytime i say something, you ALWAYS never listen. end up I'M RIGHT, then u still don't want admit your fault.
7) JAY CHOU. 'nuf said.
i think i can go on.
but these r the main pts. i think it's more than enough. especially POINT 1 TO 3.
if these things canot be improved on, i don't see how we will be able to advance to the next step.
everyone knows how much i long to get married right?
let me tell you, even b4 that night i throw tantrum n sask why you never think in detail for our future, i already losing hope that we will have one.
I'M ALREADY LOSING HOPE.
all these points, mostly i've told you, mentioned to you, don't know how long ago. but have these issues gone away?
for point 1: do you know it is important to sweetalk n romance the r/s? do you know that it's exactly cox some people don't do that in the r/s, that's why the other party look elsewhere? i can promise you i won't. but i can't promise that my love will fade in time due to the disapointment of not receiving 'love' in this form.
for point 2: never in my r/s life, has my boyfriend failed me in this way. NEVER.
for point 3: you can't get along with my friends. immediate problem: i always have trouble going out with them.
Soon to be immediate problem: WHO AM I GOING TO ASK TO BE MY SISTERS FOR MY WEDDING?
future prob: you want to let a stupid thing from 2 years ago haunt you for the rest of your life? and let it be the thorn between us?
I SAY THESE ISSUES, SAY N SAY N SAY N SAY UNTIL I FUCKING WANT TO FLIP TABLE ALREADY.
it's literally playing piano to the cow!
if u really want to continue thinking you're not in the wrong..you have done SO Much for this r/s, such that there's nothing to improve..
we won't advance to the next step. no matter how much i want it.
simply bcox i am not sure you are the right one.
as of now.
i AM not sure.
and you should start asking yourself, HOW MUCH you really love me.
don't lie and say CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT ME.
bcox if u really can't live w/o me, all these issues won't still be here.
you said before, YOU LEARNT YOUR LESSON.
REALLY?
LEARN AGAIN. AND LEARN FAST.
if not,
think about how much love you have for me. if it's not enough for you to swallow your pride, and heed my words, TELL ME.
i don't want to waste your time. you're not getting younger. if you really want this to work out, you better buck up.
stop giving me reasons to nag at you, compare, and pick a fight.
i'm really sian of doing all these also. it's like neverending. and each time it happens, i always ask myself what am i doing with you when nothing's improving?
each time i have to find our happy days to cover up for all these unhappiness.
it's extremely tiring n mentally draining for me.
i bet you're not affected at all, cox you don't care, don't know, assume the r/s is perfect the way it is.
you're living a delusion.
Gratitude.11:02 AM
Thursday, April 15, 2010'♥
on a wierd mood 2day
shud b studying, but just don't have the mood/feeling to do so..
feel kinda off that he's not beside me...
yest sweetheart told me a slightly more detailed plan for us, i wonder if it would really happen?
i wonder if i din throw a tantrum, would i get to hear him say those plans?
i've really waited desperately for him to give me more hope.. and am quite happy he did go n think about it..
now i wish october's here, so i can see what happens..
still have to wait 6 months.. hiax.. tis 2.5 years wait is really testing my patience..
bcox of this 'status', so many things had to b put on hold.. have to 'wait'..
can only think about what we want, but can't do anything..
*sigh*
now everyday at home, all the more i will feel sian.. only can wait till at night then can see him.. =((
and i feel like a big lump of fat... do nothing but eat, study, eat, study, eat, watch tv, sleep.
everyday is unconstructive..
and i'm quite glad that i'm going out for dinner today.. can see some 'real' people and do some 'real' things..
but i sure wish me n sweetheart could go on a 'real' date soon.. so long no pak tor..=(
also feeling sian tt i scratched my aunt's car.. n now she's suggesting i bring to jb for a 3rd quotation, i.e. on top of those that she has already asked..
really feel like scolding her, if not for the fact that it was my fault..
everything oso duno, only know how to keep asking me go jb do this do that.. she really think jb so safe meh.. i everytime go, but we always go our usual place, chop chop get what we want n get out..
n she duno the jam situation, still wan me to bring the car in, i won't even drive lor.. nor will dear allow me to..
and she never think that msia shops weekend never open, then how i get my bf to bring in.. weekend never open, means mux weekday go.. so she din consider that weekday he's not free..
and we only go to one workshop, so unless that workshop sat got open, then he can drive in..
so it was my fault, but doesn't mean she don't need to consider whether other people convenient anot wad..
if she ask me bring to sg workshop for her, i will gladly do so during my holidays.. and i already said i would..
never consider other factors, just say do this do that..
frustrating sia..
anyway come to think of it..
i'm quite impressed sweetheart has put up with me for so long..
this year, i get so easily jealous, suspicious, and i nag at him for like a million and one things..
but he never complain.. or maye he never complain in my face, but he complain to his office ppl? =x haha..
but i never hear complain, means he has put up with me..
so i tell myself, maybe i should try not to be like that..
but........the next sentence is: aiya, sure cannot one.
=x
well, a nicer way of putting it is that when i get jealous, suspicious, naggy, that's my way of loving you mah!!
hehe.
i just guess its me, don't believe a man can be so faithful.. or not show signs of turning back.. especially when they had been together for such a long n loving time.. so i keep trying to find loophole.. =xx
am i sick???
only october will tell whether i have worried this year for nothing..
and at least now he has given me something to look forward to...
so.................................
friends: expect me to ROM on 14th Feb 2011!
(must purposely say, so if the plan doesn't happen, it would mean its his fault)
but i don't really agree with the date, cox stupid him said he purposely thought of vday, so next time only need give me 1 present!!!
why all guys like that?!
humph.
and i haven't had a proper romantic vday with him YET.
wait ROM on vday, means i've never gotton to celebrate it with him.
so if date changes, that's not his fault. haha.
let's just assume, our ROM will happen...... the thought that it's less than one year from now, kinda scares me. =x
pre-wedding cold feet already. hehehehe.
i scared i can't make it as a wife.
and i can't imagine me telling other people and friends: "hey!!! have u heard?! I'm married!!"
*mock horror*
ok. i should stop speculating.
wait i scare myself.
will happen then say. =x
2 more hours to getting ready to go out!!
*hums a happy tune*
Gratitude.2:41 PM
Wednesday, April 14, 2010'♥
Jay's concert
STUPID DEAR, don't let me buy the tix.
Still DARE to say 'spend money go see tv?!'
*grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
i din rebuke you when u said tt cox i thinking mummy shud b able to get tix.
BUT NOW!!!
HIS TIX ARE ALL SOLD OUT!!!!
ANY WHY STUPID JAY ONLY COME FOR ONE DAY!
he better extend his stay..............
if mummy really cannot get tix, i will cry man.
and i will SO nag at him till his ears wana drop.
I WANT JAY CHOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
his cd also coming out in May...if you know what's best, you better pre-order the moment its available..........................*roar*
Gratitude.1:42 PM
Monday, April 12, 2010'♥
but on a final note
in a few days time, i will be talking about how much i love him.
=.=
i am such a hypocrite.
hopeless.
Gratitude.6:34 PM
'♥
....rantings continued
but then again. even if i'm not satisfied, so what?
i bet he knows as well as me that i'm too used to everything btw us. so many things which we share, i cannot tear myself away from.
we created a life together.. but one which i really hope he can help keep fresh..
i cannot emphasize again just how much i hate monotony.
and i hate it even more when instead of admitting his fault, he argues back. or when we quarrel, he keeps quiet, and doesn't sayang or sweet talk me.
hearing him sweet talk to me is like once a month full moon. *roll eyes*
and recently its like that. instead of pacifying me, he argues back.
SO. i know i've lost my control here. AND. it makes me suspicious that now he dares to talk back, it might mean he doesn't care as much whether i'm affected or not anymore.
WHICH MEANS. i will be even more suspicious and overly jealous.
because you don't listen to me anymore!
when a guy doesn't listen, can only mean two things:
1) he's too comfortable with you, take things for granted
2) he's beginning to find you irritating, and wishes he was still with the ex-wife instead, so he dares to talk back.
this is Victoria's theories, improvised upon her current r/s situation.
if YOU think i'm being stupid, ask yourself if you've given me CONSISTENCY in our relationship.
ask your heart, are you only true to me.
i've asked for my proof since i-can't-remember-when, and i'm still waiting.
I WAIT TILL OCTOBER. like seriously.
that's the time limit i give myself. if i still don't get what i want by october,even if i die and rip myself apart, i will take action.
i cannot live with someone who's sweetness depends on his mood and place. and if i want some, i must ask for it.
i want to be the number 1.
i will not tolerate being 2nd to your work, your mood, your tiredness, the place we are at, etc etc etc.
i am tolerating, and accomodating.
please please please, i beg u. don't take all these things for granted.
at the very least, do something sweet constantly, to tip the scales in your favour.
if even just doing something sweet, ANYTHING, (sweet talk, HUG ME, KISS ME in the way i want) is too much for you, it means you really don't care.
very typical of a relationship: the woman is always the sacrificing one. and the man always wants his selfish needs met first b4 he considers other things.
can YOU turn the tables?
would you b able to take it, if i stopped thinking for you, but concentrate on things I WANT, I MUST HAVE, and YOU MUST LISTEN TO ME?
do you think you can tolerate my old self?
uncontrollable, playful, selfish, spendthrift, wild, irresponsible.
i bet you'll disown me IMMEDIATELY.
bcox the things i could have done, AM STILL CAPABLE OF, would have been far worse than what she did to you.
start learning to b grateful and treasure what you have.
if you can't EXPRESS IN WORDS, DO IT with ACTIONS.
DON'T TELL ME IT WOULD COST MONEY.
there are alot of other methods to show someone you care.
when i say something, LISTEN.
don't be 1/2 bucket of water, be a good boyfriend for a period, then now lag again.
i've observed that that's the way you roll. after i talk about my issues with you, you try n be nicer. then afterawhile, you lack the gas to continue being so nice.
that's why i'm ranting again!
a leopard NEVER changes its spots.
but at least i do better than you. while you don't change spots, i at least try to cover up my spots.
*makes face*
Gratitude.6:02 PM
'♥
Langkawi n rantings
s'been 1 week since coming back frm LGK..here's some of my fav pics =)
we reached at abt 4pm on the 1st day, and each tourist had to take a cab from the airport to go to their hotels..there was this booth at the airport exit to serve this purpose..
it was quite comforting to see LGK's not very commercialised. at least alot of its nature is still there..
even cows were walking like they owned the road!!
so anyway, we spent the rest of the day wandering around the hotel exploring..and took a dip in its pool..
we wanted to enjoy dipping n drinking at the pool bar, but there were so many ang mohs at the bar! i think it was cox of the happy hour..haha..they had happy hour for like alot of things..even sea games!
oh n to go to the hotel rooms, mux take the hotel's complimentary shuttle bus..a tad troublesome
2nd day, we woke up bright n early to make use of our time. even the sun had not shone through the trees yet n we were outside our room waiting for the shuttle bus already.. guess go where?
BREAKFAST!!!
*claps hands in glee*
i had ALOT of eggs. YUMMY~~~~~~~~ hehehehehe~
after a fulfilling breakfast, we headed to one of LGK's attractions: the cable car.
the above pics were taken there.
the angle of the cable car was quite horrifying! i din dare to look when we were on the way down!
and at the top, another attraction was there: suspension bridge
i heard that when the wind was too big, they don't allow ppl to go on the bridge, cox it shakes!
and yes, i did feel it wobbly-ing actually. so i din dare to walk to the end of the bridge. cox walk to the end, have to walk back again. and in the middle, there's nothing but a valley. and only suspension cables held the bridge.
and stupid darling din care tt i was scared. humph. totoaly non-sweet.
3rd day was check-out day, so we din have much time oso. =(
we went around taking some pics of the hotel area.
then proceeded to the hotel's beach, which was more like a private bay for hotel guests.
again, alot of ang mohs.
but, a bunch of indians had already invaded the hotel on the 2nd day. so luckily we were leaving soon. cox these indian guests really acted like they owned the place!! n were quite disgusting!!
sit in the shuttle bus, oso can spit out the bus. *GROSS
n anyway, we both really prefer phi phi's beach compared to LGK's.
we miss phi phi =(( white sand, n crystal clear waters.
LGK was intermediary sand (better den SG's - not as good as phi phi's), and clean waters, but not clear.
but good thing was everything in LGK was pretty cheap. cheap cheap cheap.
if we had one more day, we could have gone to visit LGK's town and main harbour.
din get to see everything of LGK..so if there's promo again, might consider visiting again!! hehehehe.
____________________________
sometimes i feel sooooooooooo happily in love w you..
but sometimes i get SO infuriated with your irritating habits, non-sweet, and unromantic.
right now, my scale is tipping towards infuriation.
especially bcox i'm mugging for exams now, so my days are really quite monotonous.
wake up, eat brunch, study, take a break, study, dear come home, stop studying.
all 5 days of my week are the same. then when weekend comes, i think of doing interesting things, but scared that dear does not feel like he has enough rest if we do too many things.
and one impt factor is, wait i say spend $, he scold me. n i myself will complain later, no $.
but it's been quite some time since he's planned a movie n dinner.. or doing things..
like most of the time is i plan.. and bcox i'm at home.. i pack the room, clear up after him..
and during weekends, when he still leaves things lying around, i nag at him, and he looks slightly irritated that i nag..
i just don't like when my man gets too comfy with me around.. becoming no initiative and taking things for granted..
n fyi, you're showing me these signs..
i'm getting quite sian. and i got tell u. but again u dun seem to think its impt.
so i become more sian. and more bored.
i don't want it to b only when we r overseas, u treat me w love n respect.
i want it to b consistent. no matter when or where. in everything you do.
i want you to think of me in every aspect of your life. consider me before you do every other thing. always think of how to make me happy.
i have not seen this consistency yet.
that's why when ppl ask me will i really marry you, i STILL tell them "i don't know."
even if i don't think about what may happen in october, i'm still not sure if the qualities i want from you will ever show up.
you never fulfilled your duties then, so why should you now?
you love me, but maybe its still not enough to make more changes.
just like last time.
Gratitude.3:20 PM
