Adored. ♥

Wednesday, May 26, 2010'♥

regret

now i really regret.

regret changing away my Bangkok trip!!!

*sigh*

today i had the time to stop and think about our anniversary and my birthday. At first i had thought that it might be a good idea to spend my bday in singapore. but when i think that i have to think of who to ask out, where to go, what to do, i feel damn sian.

and i really don't feel like planning for my birthday, not less my anniversary.

if i just wait for others *erhem* to tell me HE has a plan, i think i'll just end up spending both days at home.

the best plan i have for my birthday is to eat out with my parents since i didn't give them that priority last year.

so i only have my anniversary to think about.

and i have no motivation to do so.

i waited so long for this 2 yr mark. but i doubt there'd b anything special about this day. no point hoping for something special that won't happen, since someone only knows how to bring me overseas to celebrate. so if we're not overseas, i don't think he's capable of thinking up anything to do in sg.

and i have run out of ideas that does not involve alot of $.

*sigh*

there goes my wonderful bkk.

Gratitude.3:34 PM

Friday, May 21, 2010'♥

love

just managed to catch sex and the city 1 on HBO Hits.

it reminded me, that's how love should be.

_______

i feel much better now knowing how i feel.

and when something irritates me, i am able to tell myself don't get irritated, or don't ask. so that i won't be bothered by it.

and so these two days, i don't feel unhappy with you. since the happiness wasn't alot in the first place. i am able to simply remain neutral.

but even though i feel that our love has stalled, it still is a fact that i won't stop loving you.

i love the raymond tan who told me in the beginning that he wanted to start a new life with me.

i love the man who told me that he loves me so for bringing him back from hell, and giving him new hopes.

i love the person who took me to bedok resorvoir and suddenly threw his wedding ring right into the depths of the black pool.

i love the family man who is willing to accomodate my whole family, and acknowledge that he was wrong in the past to have ignored his.

i love the man who allowed me into his life, moved in with him, become friends with his friends, and most importantly, connected with his family members.

i love his tolerance for dealing with my craziness, anger, nagginess, er xin-ness, ugliness...and i love him for giving me my baby, without a second thought.

i love the man who took me away to phuket where we spent a few of our most wonderful days together. and the same man who goes on inpromptu trips and wanders around a foreign land with me, experiencing new life in that city.

the same man whom has not given me any surprise, or romanticise me in years/months, or gotton along with my friends, and who has also failed to protect me from his former marriage.

i openly hate your ex-wife with an agenda. and it is no secret that i would strangle her if i could.

never have i once felt safe and secure in this relationship. but using my efforts, i supported myself this far.

i used to frequently complain about you to my friends. instead of telling them what you have done for me.

these days, i exude a sense of defeat.

and (i will say it's me, cox i don't know if u feel the way i do) as i reach this standstill in our relationship, i bank my last hopes that you will somehow turn back to the man i love from the beginning.

i want so much to feel that love and kindness again. and feel protected, and safe. and be truly certain of a future.

with you, i have felt every form of happiness, anger, madness, and sadness. from the minimum, to the maximum.

we have went through every sense of sourness, sweetness, bitterness, and hotness.

you gave me hope and dream of a future. to get married, look for our house together, save, customary, establish a home, and work towards our common dream - civic type r.

and eventually, i would have bore you kids. we would go on to the next stage of madness and crazies.

so i cling to all this, and grasp at them, to get through every day now.

and i try to be brave by not sucuumbing to anymore negative thoughts that would in any way affect you.

so... i love you Raymond Tan, no matter how i am may feel. I love you.

_______

sex and the city also reminded me of a few precious friends whom i am able to shit with and they still won't stay away from me.

thank you B and J for being such good friends whenever i need someone, even asking before i announce that i am not ok.

somehow, sometimes, u guys know that i'm not alright.

and the leader of you all, i love you laopo, for not pressurizing me, allowing me to rant when i want/need to. asking when you know you should. and letting me keep quiet even though you know i don't feel good.

no matter what mess i am in, what decisions i make, you my friends always supported me. always there when things go wrong.

and even though we also had our turbulent times, we walked right through it, and made our friendships last.

we have stripped ourselves bare, indulged our deepest darkest secrets, thrown away our pride and dignity, but yet we never once despised each other.

we laughed, cried, went mad, and still we held on to each other.

so..i love you all, even if i may not always be by your side.

and pls know that my thoughts constantly wanders to you. =)

_____

xoxo

Gratitude.1:09 AM

Tuesday, May 18, 2010'♥

holidays & Jay

finally. after postphoning, i got his album today! woohoo~

met Han at whitesands to collect the cd together. the 1st moment i saw him i was quite excited, could feel the smile lighting up my face. been eons since i saw him!

and of cox, jay added to my excitement. =D

when we collected the cd however, the cashier went: "chop chop chop" "redeemed" right on Jay's face on the receipt.

i looked at han n han looked at me. n immediately we gasped in horror.

what an insensitive act by that stupid cashier!! i couldn't believe it!!!

CHOPPED. right on my favourite singer's face!!!

*faints*

geez.

so anyway, we went back to han's 'new' place to listen to the cd.

i had goosebumps the first moment i heard the 1st song.

can't help it.

jay always gets better n better with each cd. will he ever stop impressing??

his articulation, his style, his music, his composition.

*sighs happily*

i grew up listening to jay.

and with him, comes another old friend who shares the same passion. whom i really enjoyed listening the cd with. =))

____

holidays been a quite a chore actually.

each day i wake up with no sch, i have to think about what to eat. what to do. where to go.

all my buds are working office hours!! (cept ting n jul) i'm the only one who gets to eat n sleep the whole day n im complaining.

n at least ting's been spending some time with me, but jul duno die go where. say wana go out but oso no sound no picture. *grumble*

n why must shirley n boon be so busy.

why my bf also office hour. den i at night can't go out. *grumble somemores*

but even if i go out at night, afternoon also nothing to do!!

so, still doesn't solve my problem.

urgh.

can't believe bangkok still at war, and i can't go shopping!!!! *scolds the thais*

looks like i have to cancel/postphone my trip. sigh. don't know still can go not.

beginning to hate school n holidays.

puft.

_______

i'm telling myself to be understanding.

you're busy with work, u have alot of things to remember.

so naturally, u'll forget this gf.

geez.

oh well.

i'm always 2nd to every other thing.

*shrug*

i don't wana care anymore.

____

not really feeling much affection and love for this relationship.

it's become quite stagnant when you never do anything to add sparks to this relationship.

and i can't be bothered to anymore also.

it's just controlling money, going to the occassional movie (once a month), go jb, pay bills, ask about you, stay home with you, think of no-need-money-activities, basically, just trying not to spend money, so, no sweet romantic surprising activities.

it's all so bothersome now.

i really don't know why i care so much, and feel so bothered about the past, and be so inconfident about myself.

you're the first guy i feel so negative with.

i really should try and change my approach to all this.

i have already set my hopes to zero and do the activities i want to do with my other friends instead of waiting for you. so the next thing i should try is care less.

i care less, i worry less, i nag less, i complain less.

hope i can do it.

_______

quote from han:

Am i loving you not enough?

or,

Is the way i love you not up to your standards?

This got me thinking too.

and i figured, everyone has standards. for you, i have to be understanding, and i know your capabilities, so i know my standards can't be too high. but even the minimal standards i have for you, you can't achieve.

so.

are my standards still too high?

Or,

is your love for me not enough?

Gratitude.9:39 PM

Tuesday, May 04, 2010'♥

exams exams

i think i'm growing old. last sem i still had the mentality to pia pia pia for exams. but right now, all i wana do is slack, and my brain keeps protesting whenever i try to cram information in.

i think my brain capacity full liao. =s and it doesn't function properly anymore. like yesterday's paper, i ming ming know the theory but when the question asked, i forgot the theory existed, and wrote rubbish instead. die lor, that question get half marks only. hiax.

i need brain stimulation!!

2 more papers to go, thursday finish liao. and i'm already on holiday mode. supposed to be studying right now.

and there's this blardy pimple on my butt that's distracting me cox it's so painful i can't sit properly!!! >.<

____

we had a mini celebration of our 23rd month last friday, after my first paper.

wanted to claim our free swenson ice-cream but the queue at swensons was so long!

we concluded that everybody must be never eat ice-cream before, all queuing to get free ice-cream. hehe.

so we ended up eating at kopitiam, cox really, tm's eating places were all so crowded. everywhere got queue. no wonder i hate going out on friday nights. like everybody just released from jail like that. =.=

than we slacked till it was time to watch iron man 2. i ate popcorn! which is quite seldom cox i find it expansive and fattening, but had a craving for poppy-corn~ i aimed the sweet ones only anyway. non-sweet one give him. =x

the show was quite long, could tell he was getting restless halfway through cox of all the scientific talk. and so, he fell asleep.

i think he's the worst boyfriend ever, or not a good go-to-the-movies-khaki. like never in my life people go watch show with me, they will ever fall asleep.

he's the one and only.

and i've lost count of the number of shows he fell asleep watching.

=.=

but i didn't blame him cox iron man 2 was quite talkaty-talk, and he had a long week of work. but still..........*shakes head*

yup that's all. it was quite uneventful really. and someone was not very sweet either. didn't finish his work at the office, so he was sms-ing colleagues n such.

and then when i saw jay chou pre-order, i was really anxious, n he was the exact opposite. totally anti-climax.

in e end, han pre-ordered for me on sunday as soon as i told him to help me if he could.

so my conclusion to ur "promised to be a better bf/husband":

yes, i've noticed u've taken initiative to do certain things at home. but u still have lots more to learn n can do better in.

until the day when i have nothing to complain, i know u're the best u can be.

in the meantime, jia you ar.

on another note..

finally i can see our 2-yr mark in just 3 more weeks.

it feels like forever already, but i really think alot of things has happened within this two years.

and it has taken me alot of patience, kindness, and understanding to last this far. if not i think i would have gone crazy.

it's still another 5 more months, and hopefully during that point of time, i can finally pull out that thorn from my flesh and trample it.

each time i think of that thorn, my heart clenches with fear and anger.

honestly, i hate everything you shared with her, even if it was in the past.

i hate that u loved her so much and shared so many things with her.

actually, i just hate that she used to 'own' you. that she could even call you her husband. the thought of it makes me want to spit on the ground.

if i could, if the past was on paper, i would like to crush it, tear it into a million pieces, and have it soaked in acid till it rots into nothing.

i have such hate for the friends you n her know as well, for always asking insensitive questions.

any link to her n your past at all, i hate with such ferocity.

i don't think anything will be able to appease this hate anymore. especially not when u have done nothing to calm me down whenever the past crops up.

so if there's anyone to blame for creating so much hatred, jealousy and anger in me, it would be you.

the thorn has been in my flesh for 23 months, and i can do nothing about it.

i can only try to erase, throw tantrum, complain to my friends, but in the end, i still have to bite my teeth and let the matter go.

people tell me not to dwell on the past, but i believe if anyone was in my position, i don't think they could take it either.

i don't think you know how much wei qu i feel whenever your past haunts me. how much understanding i have to undertake just to make myself forget it.

i can't erase your past, like blanco-ing pen ink from paper. i cannot lash out at her, i cannot scold your friends, i can't even blame you some times. so who else can i blame for minding so much? ME.

although we shared many happy experiences and sweetness, nothing can compare to the amount of things i have to put up with.

i still remember our very first time at genting and the night you told me that you were still in seperation. i felt slightly cheated. but i was a girl head over heels in love, and i told you i didn't mind. i even thought to myself that it was no big deal. there'd be nothing for me to worry about.

but never in my imagination would i know how many things i have to close an eye to. the numerous things i have to put up with.

and after each thing surfaces, it just piles up into one pyramid stack. with no hope of any thing tumbling down.

i push. it tumbles. and then some thing will just pile onto it again.

so just 5 more months.

n i pray that on that day we do see her.

so i can judge both your reactions, and mine.

i want to see for my own eyes, whether there's any form of emotion which would set a spark to my hatred. and i really wish i would be able to vent it all out.

5 more months.

i've been pushing my patience. and it's running out soon.

if any thing surfaces again during these 5 months, i will lose any ounce of control i have left.

and nothing will be able to stop me.

lao hu bu fa hui, ni dang wo shi bing mao. or in my case, this dragon is still hibernating.

nothing or no one better provoke me. otherwise, it would it/they stepping on MY tail.

i will really breathe fire.

so you know how much buried hatred i have for your past?

忍

Gratitude.2:27 PM