Thursday, March 25, 2010'♥
affected and annoyed beyond words
all thanks to my wonderful boyfriend.
my mind repeatedly surfaces Joemondtan and Raysephine.
each time i mentally THINK this, i mentally puke.
each time i voice it out, my face physically contorts 'argh' and 'ew' at the same time.
ARGHH.
totally blardy fucking disgusted.
and i cannot stop emphasizing how FUCKING DISGUSTED i am. i really wish i could puke each time those words surface.
it may sound funny. but this. this is like driving yet another thorn through my heart.
after 2 years, i can still find his SHIT, on yahoo mail nonetheless. something which he uses daily and NEVER BOTHERS to ERASE HIS SHIT.
subjecting me to this kind of eye, heart and mind torture.
Let's see.
there's been MSN conversations at the start of the relationship. The letter i found. PHOTOS of them at flyer when doing spring cleaning. THE RING which he so happily wore on his hand until i MENTIONED that he's STILL wearing it. THEM communicating to settle the telecommunications stuffs and whats not. TEXTS of HER insulting ME when she doesn't even know me. Shell card letter in the car with THEIR password still on it. and now account information with THEIR LOVEY DOVEY ID AND PASSWORD in it. and not to mention all the stuffs which she has touched b4 which i have tried my best to eliminate.
ALL THOSE SHIT.
ME.
CLEARING UP.
i am SO fucking sick and tired of doing it myself. you as my bf, do fuck? only keep telling me you love me, but everytime leave this kind of shit for me to clear.
i don't know whether to be angry or to be upset.
each time i think why are you doing this to me.
WHY AM I THE ONE SEEING ALL THIS SHIT.
i already know that i am overly jealous, and highly insecure. ALL THESE does nothing to help MY self-esteem.
and everytime it happens, i blame it on you n myself.
i question.
WHY AM I SO AFFECTED.
and today i realised, my self-confidence has long since abandoned me.
so what that i know i'm younger, prettier, skinnier, mayber smarter, and more able to get along with ppl around you.
i know i pass these areas with flying colors, but SO?
in the end, when i face all these shit, i am stripped bare.
the inner me is left with nothing, and im crying, and struggling to hold on to these facts to survive.
bcox the fear takes over, and these shit reminds me time and again how much you loved her.
and i have no confidence at all.
and i really hate myself this time. for being like this.
i hate being so weak.
hate doubting myself, and where i stand.
hate doubting that i have no hold at all. and in the end i might just lose everything. Everything that i've fought and worked for.
and now i know.
that i dream. i dream of that band around my finger. not bcox i long to get married.
but to hold on to that part of you that belongs to me.
I fucking hate this shit.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010'♥
contradiction
1st october's just 6 months away. suddeny my wait seems very short. but it's been almost 2 years.
and as the date looms nearer, i wonder.. how do you feel?
anticipation? or a growing sadness..?
excited tt you can start a new chapter in our book... or, the growing sadness bcox you will soon put an end to a love that you had pledged to..
each day that i wake, and find myself thinking of you, lying on the bed we share, dreaming of a life together, i am so happy..
but each time i remind myself, of the past life you had with her, the "bond" in which you had pledged for her, but which ended only bcox of her..
this "bond" that you have now forged with me, almost immediately after you told her you would never stop loving her..
THAT "bond", you had pledged.
THIS "bond" now, you forged.
which one will prevail to the end? which one will you bring with you to October 1st?
bcox both "bonds" seem just as fragile to me.
where you said you would never stop loving her, you told me you loved me more than you did with her.
can love be measured this way?
will the past not come back to you, and remind you of what you had with her? bcox i believe, it will.
when that happens, will you then be able to remember what you have with me now? will you, remember me?
our hopes, our dreams, and this love.
will it be enough for you to stand faithfully by my side on october 1st?
will you take my hand, and look me in the eye, and tell me, this is when we begin?
i am so happy. so in love with you. so much, i fear that day. i fear it so much, i want it to stay away.
i am so afraid. so scared. everyday i tell myself to treasure this happiness.
everyday i tell myself, remind you of how much i love you.
everyday, i try to forge a stronger bond between us.
everyday, i try n think of doing something that will make me closer to you.
and everyday, i warn myself, i'm with a man who may leave bcox of the past.
each day that i'm so happy, so hopeful, the fear multiplies.
i try not to think. try not to ponder. but it manifests itself.
october 1st.
would your first reaction be sorrow, or that, of excitment?
what would i see in your eyes....
Monday, March 08, 2010'♥
more outings
i forgot to include one of the more important thing i did in the previous post.
celebrate vday with laopo darling and baobei!!
we scheduled a dinner on the 24th mar. and as usual me n laopo arrived first.
bb came later, but she walked towards us holding two bouquet of flowers!!
me n laopo just stared at her in surprise. and of cox i was jumping with joy seeing that it was my first bouquet of the yr. i was superly duperly happy. ^.^
thanks so much darling jeanie~~~ *muacks muacks =))
we had dinner at pan pacific service suites. ya as usual cuckoo me n jeanie din noe the whole ground floor was eating area. it was pretty romantic looking actually.
hope i get a chance to bring my other half there. hehe.
we had a nice meal of pasta and fish n chips and light wine/alchohol to celebrate.
after that we went to zouk to hang out awhile. it was actually to find belinda, but she was busy advertising for sol. - horrible beer from what i heard. =x
and well, we just drank abit, played 5-10. but other den that, nothing much. cox we walked around looking for belinda. and we were due to leave at 12.30. it was so mild.
but all in all, as long as i have laopo n baobei for company, i love it! =)
~~
yest me n darling went for a cycling session with a few of the sailors.
it was so funny!!
jon wasn't as good at blading as wee tee n jess, so he held on to corina's bike quite a few times. and all of us kept urging him to blade on his own. exercise ya know. hahaha.
after that we had dinner at the east coast hawker center, and i ordered food from my aunt's stall. la-la and kang kong for only $16. i was pretty happy with the price. i think she gav discount. altho i felt abit paiseh since i'm not all that close with her.
pics are on fb as usual. heh.
it's been quite some time since me n dear went cycling, and the first time with friends. i love it too.
i like hanging out with a group of people, with my loved one. it feels just right to me. =)
~~
and bcox we've been so happy lately, i have a gnawing fear in my heart.
the fear that all this happiness will end up in disaster again.
the fear of losing, leaving, ending, hurt, sorrow, pain, anguish.. i've been through it so many times.. it's my undoing..
so i made you promise, and we hooked pinkies...and i want it to be the only promise you'll never break..
never, ever, leave me.
Friday, March 05, 2010'♥
05/03/09
I'm sorry
Wednesday, March 03, 2010'♥
outings
busy busy since cny. and its happy busy. at least better den cny. hah.
19th was a chalet surprise for jonathan. corina started planning for it like a few months ago, and it was so funny she had to keep lying to her husband. im amazed he din spot even more loopholes. i think if it was darling, i would have given it away before i even managed to get through half of it. lols!
a few of us helped prepare the chalet for the guests in the evening, and to surprise jon when he came through the door. it was a fun day with them as usual, full of gossips. =x
and then the next night, we went to pump room again. wasn't very happy with dear's performance as a boyfriend. he was always going to the gents, going out to smoke, or going after the drunk people. while i was left with corina n jon, mainly by myself. until he was more drunk, did he find me and wanted me. *roll eyes*
and than apparantly, he messaged this girl friend of wee tee's to ask if she had reachd home, but he din even know he did. and there was no record in his iphone. but the girl had msged back in the morning and that was how i found out he did something he couldn't even remember. he should count his lucky stars that he didn't say or do anything even worse. or i would have him by the neck. AND. i was supposed to be the drunk one, but i ended up taking care of him, AGAIN.
i swear if it happens one more time, i'm really going to leave you outside the toilet. =p
but nevertheless, i enjoyed dancing and playing with the rest. hmph. no need for my disappearing boyfriend already. hmph hmph. stupid darling. msg other girl oso don't know. look after everyone but your girlfirend. HMPH.
on fri night we went to joanne's place where she made her own buffet food, and i nibbled abit, delicious! she served dessert later at night, and i absolutely loved it. extremely yummylicious. i would have some more except the sailors kept saying 'fat', 'sinful',..hahahaha..but it was so much fun just to hang out with crazy ppl..
and i love it that his friends so readily accept me into the group..well at least i didn't think i would be able to be so giam with them..and i love the jokes, gossip and craziness they wrap me up in..im even kind of fond of them now..*smiles* i hope they feel the same way about me..=s
and.....Joanne has PINK MAHJONG set!!! *screams* i also want!! =((
after joanne's place, we went to jb to do the usual things, but this time azhar and another of their colleague joined us there.. darling wanted to try azhar's koup after the supper..
so we went to seletar after that..his koup is beautiful..but if its something so exp, for me, no thanks..i would vomit blood first before i can even get over the first insurance..-.-
oh and i had the chance to try out our new toy..not bad for an idiot using an idiot-proof camera..haha!
monday, we ran some errands..brought baby to the vet for his annual booster..poor darling had to have a thermormeter inserted into his butt..*ouch* and the vet said that his testicles did not come out, and i was thinking, "oh ya huh, where are his testicles!?"..so he has to go for sterilization and take out the testicles at the same time..*double ouch* SO POOR THING MY BABY BOY!! ='(
i din want to sterilize you, but now, no choice. poor baby.........expensive tho, so gotta wait awhile..=x
after the vet's we went kite-flying!! absolutely loved it! we bought a super big kite, so when it went up, it was really quite heavy for me..and the wind was good, so it simply brought my kite all the way up while i just let the string go.. easy peasy! =D
and sweetheart was playing with the camera all the while. i've the pics on fb, go see go see!
pulling down the kite was much harder, stronger resistance with bigger area. ehhhhhh...i passed physics hor...WAHAHAHA..i pulled halfway, and got tired..haha..
anyway, i have a beautiful kite and a wonderful boyfriend...he is now wonderful cox i am happy..LOL! and cox he's happy that im happy.. so we're all happy!
until i'm not, or until i have more outings then!
=)
(project time. bugger.)
