Wednesday, May 29, 2019'♥
Conflicted
Been battling alot of inner thoughts and pushing them away trying to tell myself not to think too much. There are times i feel like i just wana b alone, or alone w S so i can focus on him and make sure he knows mama's with him. Its mentally tiring trying to contain the thoughts and sadness in my head.
That moment when i knew the interim judgement was passed, i felt more relief than happiness. It meant that closure was coming, but is it really? I know i gave myself and everything i had for this marriage and the house, and it makes me sad. 不怕付出，只怕没回报. I lived with no regrets, i did what i wanted, gave what i could, and i tried; but i know, i failed to help him understand there was anything wrong with the marriage, and i will always live with the guilt of betrayal. I try not to let this moral guilt eat me. And usually it doesnt, cox his behavior doesnt call for it.
Im sure he has alot to deal with, and alot to adjust. Sometimes i see signs he seems to have moved on a little, but sometimes it seems he's still stuck in denial, and definitely anger. When its anger i wished he'd just take it out on me only, n not affect S. S seems to b adjusting, but when he gets hot n cold with S, i think S is affected. Sometimes he wants his dad, but sometimes he doesnt. It hurts me when he ignores S for the simple fact that he's at home but just doesnt acknowledge when S reaches out to him. And i can tell that S is still happy to see and spend time with him, so when this hot and cold happens, it really frustrates me that i cant protect S from him. Why are u behaving so strange to the person you say u will always love and care for no matter what? That was how u treated me as your wife, and now youre doing it your son? When will you wake up?
I get so tired of the physical chores and the mental struggle on whether to fault him, or feel sorry for him. Almost every day there are things to be done around the hse, and getting back past 9pm after dinner, by the time S is settled and goes to bed, theres still a million and one things waiting to be done. Every day is a repeat of chores and i recite a mantra of "live with it", "suck it up", "it'll end soon" just to keep myself sane. Sometimes i just assumes he does his share and dont bother to keep track on what he does anymore. But sometimes when it gets too much, i really need to vent. Even if everything happened was triggered by me, this is still his house, and still has his share. Why am i the fking maid to him and the house even up till now. I toggle between being so f-ing mad, and, suck thumb its my own doing. Its physically keeping me in shape though, so no complains there. But im in a constant lack of sleep that doesnt help my brain capacity. I some times really wish i could get out soon n hopefully lessen S's exposure to his strange attitude.
And then again, when i think about leaving the hse, theres so much sadness. Not bcox i cant bear the marriage, but bcox i do actually love this house and every design that came out of it.
Every hour i spend in the kitchen, i miss it. Every hour i spend in the loo, i miss it. Every time i look at the mbr wall design, i miss it. Every time i look at the tv console, i miss it. Its making me quite miserable and so 此地不可就留 .
Not to mention the mental stress of an on n off battle at work with a frenenemy; and losing certain 'friends' as a result of everything. Some people just want to see you suffer the same or see how you fall, but that makes me stronger and more determined that i wont. Then again, I longed for the life where i could bring my husband out and have an enjoyable social life together with frens, of one with much talk and laughter; which i eventually ended up doing on my own and building the so called 'friendships' that have now cast me out. And now ironically, i still cant bring that person out, and that road ahead seems long and tiresome. But if its a silver lining, i got to see the true colors of some people, and it has really shown me alot. To my dismay.
I have to convince myself theres a better life and home waiting for me, and it takes alot of courage to put my faith and trust in that person. Only i know whether its all worth it, whether he will be my rock, and whether together we can do it. I know alot of these are just material things which can be built back, but it still makes me sad to leave the house i built. At the same time i still constantly worry about protecting S and trying to help him understand what's happening, and giving him as much stability as possible.
Sometimes, i just need a breather.
